Spring Cleaning [part:FOUR]

 Featured photo taken by M.J. at Canal Street.


“Let’s Talk About It”


Yes, well, perhaps if you could stop and think, but not too much, you’d come to the perfectly balanced state in which you become self aware on a completely different level

to realize that you too are looking for me.

God, I want to know why you built me like this. I am strong, I can acknowledge it. And that is my weakness. It makes me so weathered but likewise resilient which makes things so difficult. Just on the verge of me breaking, I am re-patched. I assume it’s you with the needle and thread in hand, stitching me up every time that I tear.

How do you counteract loneliness? With more people? Not at all. I need[more] substance [than just numbers]. I need to feel like I belong.

November 12, 2016.

how do [we] know?

How do you know when you like someone? “You just know. You just do.” This is what everyone says when I ask them. Is it really that simple? Then, why do I make it complicated every time? I’m not sure, but I think that the way I function is as if I am partitioned exactly in half: one half brain and the second half heart. But unlike a partitioned hard drive or computer, both sides interact. And when I say interact, I mean they fight. They fight all the time. They do it in my subconscious background (not in my conscious foreground) so by the end of the fight I have no idea who said what and who felt what and what my conclusion is. Do I actually like him but am reasoning not to? Or does my reason tell me to while I don’t actually like him?
Do you really just know?

May 10, 2015.


Love is a funny thing. I was talking with my older sister in the car a few months ago. We were on our way coming back from Rhode Island, or was it Washington D.C.? I don’t recall but that’s besides the point. She was driving and like always we end up talking about very philosophical, intellectual, mind-boggling topics. We came across the topic of Love. What is Love?

My sister expressed that Love might actually be something very toxic. It’s almost out of your control how you fall in love, when, where, and with whom. Why you fall in love is a completely different story. These are all questions we asked about love. She was (at the time at least) firmly convinced that Love cannot actually be good for you. It is a weakness in a sense that we choose to succumb to for some kind of pleasure (but what kind of pleasure?) in the way that we choose to use Tabasco because it tastes good although it often burns our tongues. Why would we want to put ourselves in a position where we are so vulnerable and so willing to do anything for someone? There is such a big gamble that follows falling in love with and pursuing someone. You never know when it ends. She said that maybe what we should be looking for is not to fall in love but to love (in the sense of companionship) in a platonic manner. Platonic love. This is so cliche. But what if it is possible and people already experience it but because of social customs and conformity we choose to be blind to this platonic love and turn to falling in love instead? I think I witness platonic love every day. Families, friends, and other relationships can have platonic love. The way that I love my parents is not by accident: my reason tells me that I appreciate them, and my heart follows by loving them. I did not fall in love with them. We have a life long companionship with one another and this might be the type of love that my sister was looking for.

I wonder though if falling in love is as bad as my sister portrayed. Yes, I believe it’s toxic. I think that it is self-destructive. I also think that if falling in love occurs in a very mutual respect then there could potentially be something very miraculous. Two people might learn humility, understand one another’s flaws because they are both just as  vulnerable. But this really only works if they love each other equally. If not, there is no way that unconditional love can come about on both ends.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this.

May 10, 2015.


Love is so complicated, yes, but what is more complicated is like. Like, I would argue is so strong and if not just as strong as or stronger than love, it is still a very powerful word. In fact, it may be more nerve-wracking to confess a like than a love because maybe by the time you get to a point where you think you love or you do love, you have reason to think or do love. Maybe by this time, your love is already an unsaid existence which you are simply repeating, reiterating, or re-emphasizing through words when you say you love someone. Maybe love is more complicated than what I make it out to be, but I am sure that love comes with a degree of certainty that like does not come with. Like is sudden and new. It is vulnerable and pliable. It bends, twists, molds into whatever it is meant to be. It is the beginning of so many things and it is the ending of so many as well. More so than love, or so I think and so I will argue. Like seems pathetic but it requires true bravery. It makes hearts flutter as it is always foreign and mysterious. Like is not easier to say than love. It may be the first step or just a step before love. It may not be. If it is then that is why it is so powerful. If not, that is why it is so powerful. Like stands alone and is more inclined to happening while also being more inclined to getting shut down by likers and non-likers alike. Like. Like. Like. Like is just as important as love. Like is just as binding as love. Like is just as heart-warming as love. Like is not lukewarm water or mediocre beef or Payless shoes..

December 27, 2014

High tops

I want them

July 16, 2014.



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